Fading Lights

It's kind of ironic.

I posted today's snowflake_challenge hesitantly, because I thought it was presumptuous to ask people to tell you that they love you. In fact, I was mostly amused that the other posts of this meme I saw said they had felt the same way, but ended up posting it anyway.

Then I talked to my mom this afternoon.

At one point it came up that my aunt and I haven't been on speaking terms for the past several years, because of Blowing Smoke and its aftermath. My mom said very shortly that what I had posted was very hurtful, and I answered that it hadn't been intended that way. And then we moved on, because we've both come to understand that this is something we will never, ever, agree on.

I was thinking on it later, about all the things I'd said then, and why I'd felt the need to say them. That at the time, I'd felt like I was drowning, and in way, I was asking - pleading - for someone to tell me that it was okay. That I was broken, and damaged, but that was okay.

And they did.

For all the drama in my offline life that Blowing Smoke caused, it also brought me friends who accepted me as I am. Who told me that it *is* okay, and I'm not broken. That I'm someone worth knowing, and I don't have to be anything other than myself. After everything, Blowing Smoke set me free in a lot of ways. And I will never, *ever* regret it.

After coming to that conclusion, I came back to check my e-mail, and found comments of love and admiration. Things that made my eyes well up, because they reminded me of everything I'd been thinking. That I, as I am, am okay. More than okay.

And really, that's what today's meme was all about, wasn't it? ♥


* Next month makes six years since I posted Blowing Smoke. Seems like a lifetime ago, sometimes. But in a good way. Always a good way.

Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths. - Walt Disney

Dear Self:
Keep moving forward. ♥

I had the most beautiful, terrible dream last night.

I dreamed I lived my life over again, but with all the memories and knowledge that I have now. I stopped caring what other people thought of me and did what was fun and made me happy, even when everyone thought I was 'weird'. I confronted my mom over her alcoholism and made my dad spend more time with me. I made better decisions. I paid attention and studied the things I should have. I tracked down the people who I knew would be amazing friends and made them my friends again.

But it was also terrible, because I had to live with the knowledge of all these things that were going to happen that I couldn't tell anyone. I tried to warn my friends about things in their future, but they never understood what I was trying to say. I lived in constant fear that if I ever told anyone the truth about why I knew, they'd have me committed. So when I was asked how I knew the things I did, I would smile and say 'In another life' while trying not to cry.

There was one moment that stood out the most. I was in school (it kept switching between fifth grade and kindergarten for some reason), and the teacher had asked everyone what we wanted to do when grow up. I stood up on my chair and proudly declared "I want to live!" They all looked at me strangely, and I explained "I want to be a writer and horse trainer and psychologist. I want to laugh and dance and sing. I want to see the world. I want to see plays and read books and meet new people. I want to *live*!"