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It doesn't feel real yet.
I've been crying off and on for the past four hours. Part of it is that I keep thinking about things. Things I wanted to tell her, things I wanted to ask her about. My cats rub my legs when they see me in tears, and I wonder who's hugging Nin right now?
I think about all the stories she'll never tell. Barely a week ago, she promised to write me BabyAntonio fic, about how he was Rocky's adopted son, as long as I finished her 'writing assignment' to get me working on FtD. And now ... I'll never read it. I'll never get to read her Justin/Eric stories, or see her squee over Tommy and Kimberly fluff. She'll never pester me to write write write. She'll never read the stories that she's helped *me* write.
And then I think about other things, like how she kept threatening to kidnap me to come stay with her. That she wanted to take me to Morphicon with her when I was still living close enough to make it possible. How she'd get so indignant over the way my doctors stopped caring about what was wrong with me. All the posts she left 'Hugs' on, because I was upset. When I told her I'd almost put her down as a reference for a job, but I'd hesitated because I wanted to ask first, and she laughed and told me she'd be a reference for me anytime.
Some people will say you can't really trust a person you meet over the internet, because you don't know who's really behind the screenname. I say that's bullshit. Because looking back over all the things I read, texted, and shared, I know without a shadow of a doubt that Kim was an amazing person with a big heart. One little article can never tell the world just how kind she was, how much she cared about people, what a wicked sense of humor she had. How passionate she was about the things she loved. Or just how many people who never had the chance to meet her face to face are grieving.
down the road
we never know
what life may have in store
winds of change
can rearrange
our lives more than before
but you'll never stand
alone my friend
the memories never die
in our hearts
they'll always live
and never say goodbye
I love you, Kim. ♥
ETA For those who hadn't heard yet: http://miami.cbslocal.com/2012/06/04/former-cbs4-web-producer-kim-chapin-dead-at-27/
I've been crying off and on for the past four hours. Part of it is that I keep thinking about things. Things I wanted to tell her, things I wanted to ask her about. My cats rub my legs when they see me in tears, and I wonder who's hugging Nin right now?
I think about all the stories she'll never tell. Barely a week ago, she promised to write me BabyAntonio fic, about how he was Rocky's adopted son, as long as I finished her 'writing assignment' to get me working on FtD. And now ... I'll never read it. I'll never get to read her Justin/Eric stories, or see her squee over Tommy and Kimberly fluff. She'll never pester me to write write write. She'll never read the stories that she's helped *me* write.
And then I think about other things, like how she kept threatening to kidnap me to come stay with her. That she wanted to take me to Morphicon with her when I was still living close enough to make it possible. How she'd get so indignant over the way my doctors stopped caring about what was wrong with me. All the posts she left 'Hugs' on, because I was upset. When I told her I'd almost put her down as a reference for a job, but I'd hesitated because I wanted to ask first, and she laughed and told me she'd be a reference for me anytime.
Some people will say you can't really trust a person you meet over the internet, because you don't know who's really behind the screenname. I say that's bullshit. Because looking back over all the things I read, texted, and shared, I know without a shadow of a doubt that Kim was an amazing person with a big heart. One little article can never tell the world just how kind she was, how much she cared about people, what a wicked sense of humor she had. How passionate she was about the things she loved. Or just how many people who never had the chance to meet her face to face are grieving.
down the road
we never know
what life may have in store
winds of change
can rearrange
our lives more than before
but you'll never stand
alone my friend
the memories never die
in our hearts
they'll always live
and never say goodbye
I love you, Kim. ♥
ETA For those who hadn't heard yet: http://miami.cbslocal.com/2012/06/04/former-cbs4-web-producer-kim-chapin-dead-at-27/
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It really doesn't feel real yet. I just. She was the best. I love her and I miss her, and if you need anything, I am here.
♥ ♥ ♥
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Likewise. I'm not very articulate between all the tears just yet, but I'm definitely here for you.
♥ ♥ ♥
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I cried all during work, and then all through therapy, and now I am sitting on my couch crying at Ruby and drinking vodka.
It's going to be hard for all of us who loved her, and its a process, but at least we are there for each other.
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Rosa and I cried at each other over the phone during her lunch break, too.
It *is* hard. And I keep telling myself all the things that I know Kim would have told me right now, but it's just. I'm not there yet, you know? I'm still stuck between the shock and the grief.
We are here for each other. And that's one of the best gifts she could have possibly given us: our friends to lean on when we need them most.
I say this all the time, but now more than ever I want you to know that I love you so much. And I'm glad you're in my life. ♥
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I'm kicking myself so hard, because I spent the last few weeks letting my anxiety get the better of me and I wasn't up for talking, and I wasted all the last time I had with her because I let my stupid anxiety get the better of me, and now she's gone, and I can't tell her how much I love her and how she's one of my best friends and she's gone and I can't even.
I love you too, and I am so thankful for all the friendships I've made in this fandom and that I have you in my life. ♥ ♥ ♥
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♥
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♥