An Honest Man for Starlit Purple!

[tsukino_akume]

(Somewhat Belated)

Happy Birthday, Starlit Purple! ♥

My plan was to write you Ed/Tree. While I have half of Ed/Tree, DryadRoy just ... isn't happening. -Sadface- I tried putting him in there, but he's not working.

So to give you something at least *close* to what you wanted, I attempted this instead. I hope you like it. ^.^;;

An Honest Man
Author/: Tsukino Akume
Fandom/: Fullmetal Alchemist/Ouran High School Host Club Crossover
Characters/: Edward Elric, Roy Mustang, Alphonse Elric, Maes Hughes, Riza Hawkeye
Pairings/: Roy/Ed (Ish), Edward/Alphonse (Ish)
Rating/: K+
Disclaimer/: Clearly it's not mine, because there aren't any alchemic love children running around in canon. (Damn. ;_;)
Summary/: "I gotta admit, I never thought I'd see the day someone made an honest man out of lady killer Colonel Mustang."
Warnings/: Language, implied Elricest
Author's Notes/: So awhile ago, starlit_purple and I had this conversation about Tamaki from Ouran High School Host Club looks ridiculously like Ed. (Except paler and his eyes are the wrong color.) Not to mention that he has the same voice actor. I can't remember exactly how that became 'Tamaki is Ed and Al's Alchemic Love Child', but there it is.

And of course since Starlit Purple and I are both Roy/Ed fans, that meant that Tamaki clearly needed to become a big brother.

I was aiming for slash when I started this, but it kind of ... didn't happen. Sadness. ;_; If I ever get any ideas play with this some more, I'll try to make it slashier.


"I gotta admit, I never thought I'd see the day someone made an honest man out of lady killer Colonel Mustang."

Roy glared at Maes. The man was grinning, snapping pictures almost gleefully. He was clearly enjoying this.

Bastard.

"I didn't exactly plan this!" Ed snapped.

"Brother," Al reprimanded with a frown. His eyes flickered to the topic in question.

Ed muttered under his breath, but when he spoke again his voice was significantly softer. "I don't know it happened, okay?"

Maes gasped in mock-horror. "No one's ever given you The Talk?"

Roy could almost forgive him for the rare sight of Edward flushing bright red and sputtering for several minutes.

*Almost*.

"What - no!" he hissed, just barely managing to keep from yelling. "I know about sex, jackass! I just don't know where *this* baby came from!"

"Perhaps if you explain it again," Hawkeye interrupted.

"You were there," Edward muttered.

"It was difficult to see clearly through the smoke." The tone of her voice made it clear it wasn't a suggestion.

Roy sighed, reaching up to rub his temple. "During Fullmetal's re-evaluation as a State Alchemist, he created an array. I attempted to stop him from activating it by throwing a line of fire in his direction."

"I didn't see the cheap shot because I was busy focusing on the array," Ed put in, glaring at him. "All I saw was fire over the array when it lit up, and boom: baby."

Al looked thoughtful. "What array were you using?"

Ed shook his head. "It wasn't the same one. I was going for transformation, not creation."

Roy held up a hand. "'Same one'?" he repeated suspiciously. "You mean this has happened before?"

There was a long silence as the Elric brothers looked at each other. There seemed to be a silent argument between them before at last Ed sighed. "Yeah," he muttered.

Maes raised his eyebrows skeptically. They all knew Fullmetal's thoughts on deadbeat dads. "Ed, are you saying you have a kid running around somewhere that no one knows about?"

"Of course not!" he snapped. "I'm not an irresponsible parent! He goes to boarding school!"

They stared at him.

Eventually Al let out a quiet sigh. "It happened when we were studying human transmutation. We were testing a new array together. There was a flash of light, and a baby appeared."

Roy gaped. He couldn't help it. "You summoned a baby?"

Al winced. "Not exactly."

" ... Then what *exactly* happened?" Hawkeye asked slowly.

Al bit his lip for a long moment before opening his chest plate. It wasn't something he did often in front of them; it was discerning to see. Roy caught Maes wincing out of the corner of his eye.

A picture was held out in front of them.

There was another long silence as the three of them stared at it. A tiny face with a mop of blond hair beamed at them from over a large teddy bear. It looked like a very small, pale Edward Elric with brilliant indigo eyes.

Roy was starting to feel lightheaded.

Hawkeye blinked for several minutes before finally regaining enough of her composure to speak. " ... You and Edward made a baby?"

Al nodded, flushing a little. "His name's Tamaki. He's six."

"You were parents when you were nine and ten years old?" Maes asked slowly.

Al nodded again, and Ed folded his arms, looking defensive. "We weren't just going to abandon him," he informed them waspishly.

"He stayed with us for awhile, but after Brother joined the miltary we decided it would be safer if we sent him to school," Al added. He looked a little sad at the thought.

Maes shifted a little in place, still looking uncomfortable as he cleared his throat. "So you two are, uh ... together?"

Both Elrics blinked at him for a full minute before it finally clicked. Al turned bright red; Ed looked horrified. "What the hell?! Of course not!"

"Brother, the baby!" Al hissed in warning, even as his face continued to flame.

"Just checking!" Maes insisted, holding up his hands in surrender. "Not that there's anything wrong with that if you are," he added almost in afterthought.

Ed gaped at him, looking torn between screaming or just transmuting his automail and stabbing him through. "We're not like that! That's - *ew*!"

Roy had a vague, fleeting thought of commenting about protesting too much, but he was still reeling from the thought that he made a baby. He was a father. With Edward.

"I need a drink," he muttered finally.

Hawkeye frowned again. "Has this happened to an alchemist before?"

Ed snorted.

Al shrugged a little. "If it has, no one's documented it." He bit his lip, his eyes flickering to Ed. "As far as we know, it's only happened to Brother."

A slow, evil grin spead across Maes' face. "Aww, Edward! You're the Magic Baby-Making Alchemist!"

There was a split second of Ed's eyes widening, and then he lunged.

Roy stayed in his chair, staring at the infant still snoozing on his desk. She had his dark hair, and he suspected Edward's nose, although it was too early to really tell. She hadn't woken up yet to let them see her eyes.

He had a child. Fuck, he had a child. He could barely take care of himself without Hawkeye holding a gun to his head! How the hell was he supposed to handle a baby?!

He was vaguely aware of Maes yelping loudly, and Edward swearing at him rather creatively. Al was trying unsuccessfully to calm his brother down. There was a loud crash just as he heard the click of Hawkeye's gun.

The baby's tiny nose wrinkled at the noise, her face scrunching up as she let out a loud, plaintive cry.

Roy reached for her without thinking. She was heavier than he expected, and he was sure he was holding her wrong. Wasn't there something about supporting the head?

Then those tiny eyes opened to reveal a bright, intense blue, staring straight at him, tears streaming down her little cheeks as she screamed bloody murder. She was fucking adorable.

He was abruptly aware of Edward peering over his shoulder. "Shit. She's gonna be a looker, isn't she?"

They were so screwed.